Bridging the Gap: Navigating Communication Challenges in New Relationships

As a social work therapist, I’ve worked with countless individuals who have faced many obstacles in their relationships. However, one of the most common challenges I’ve noticed is communication. It is an art that can either make or break any relationship.

Communication is the foundation upon which relationships are built; it is through communication that we connect, understand, and bond with our partners. But it is one of the most challenging aspects for new couples. Why? Because every individual communicates differently. We all come with
our unique set of experiences, perspectives, and personality traits that influence how we express and interpret information.

Understanding Communication Styles

Every individual has a unique communication style influenced by their childhood, culture, and personal experiences. Some people are direct and straightforward, while others are more subtle and indirect. Some express themselves freely, while others may find it difficult to open up.
Understanding your partner’s communication style and aligning it with yours is one of the first steps towards effective communication.

The Fear of Vulnerability

Communication involves opening up about our thoughts, emotions, and experiences. It means being vulnerable, which can be scary. New couples often face the challenge of opening up to each other due to the fear of being judged, misunderstood, or rejected. Part of this vulnerability can
come from previous experiences rather with family, friends or even previous relationships. It is essential to create a safe space where both partners can express themselves freely and honestly.

Assumptions and Misunderstandings

New couples often make assumptions about each other’s thoughts, feelings, or intentions, leading to misunderstandings. Most importantly asking questions is always better than assuming answers because we could be wrong. Remember, your partner cannot read your mind, nor can you read
theirs. Clear, direct communication is crucial to avoid such issues.

Digital Communication

Honestly, the rise of digital communication can make things even more complicated . Text messages, emails, and social media posts are now integral parts of our communication. However, they lack the nuances of face-to-face communication and can easily lead to misinterpretations. It is essential to understand that digital communication cannot replace the intimacy and depth of face-to-face conversations.

Building Effective Communication

Here are some tips to improve communication in your relationship:

Active Listening: Pay attention to your partner when they are speaking. Show interest and respond in a way that makes them feel heard and understood.

Be Open and Honest: Share your thoughts, feelings, and experiences
without fear. Being open and honest builds trust and intimacy.

Use “I” Statements: Instead of saying “You always…” or “You never…”, use “I feel…” or “I think…” statements. It reduces the chances of your partner feeling attacked or defensive.
 

Seek to Understand, Not to Win: The goal of communication in a relationship is to understand each other, not to win an argument. Let go of the need to be right and focus on understanding your partner's perspective.

Practice Patience: Good communication requires patience. Give your partner the time they need to express themselves, and don’t rush to respond.
 

Don’t Avoid Difficult Conversations: It's natural to want to avoid conflict, but avoiding difficult conversations can create bigger problems in the future. Instead, approach such conversations with
respect and openness.

Get Professional Help: If communication issues persist, consider seeking help from a professional. A therapist or counselor can provide valuable tools and techniques to improve communication.

As you continue to grow in your relationship, keep in mind that communication is not just about talking but it's about connecting. It's about understanding and being understood. It's about creating a safe space where both of you can be your authentic selves. Embrace the challenges, cherish the journey, and always keep the lines of communication open. Because when words fail, love speaks.

Remember, effective communication is a skill that takes time master. Be patient with yourselves as well as with each other and remember that the goal is not perfection but progress. If you want help in this area contact Jirmiah Leverette, LSW, today!

5 Tips to Help Stay Married During a Pandemic

Many couples are facing conflict in their relationships during this lockdown.  Prior to the pandemic many of us worked out of the home only to see each other at dinners.  Others traveled for their jobs and saw each other exclusively on the weekends.

Some couples love the shelter in place restrictions because they spend more quality time together.  The closeness has strengthened their relationships.  Unfortunately, for many other couples, this has not been the case.  Rather, their conflict has only intensified leading to extreme marital distress.  In fact, the divorce rate is up a whooping 35% since the lockdown began.

The tight quarter, working from home, no physical or emotional distance from each other has made some marital conflict explosive.  Call it too much of a good thing.  For these couples, and healthy one alike, there are specific therapeutic interventions that can help your relationship get back on track.

1. Direct eye contact:  It’s amazing how often individuals don’t practice good eye contact when talking to each other.  This seems especially true during an argument.  When you look directly at your partner you receive valuable information about why they are trying to say.  We lose too much information and tend to make inferences, often incorrectly, when we aren’t paying close attention to our partners.

2. “I” statements:  Utilizing “I” statements cannot be over emphasized.  It wounds simple yet this task can actually be quite difficult. When using “I” statements you are talking about your own experience, perceptions and emotions.  These statements should not be used to blame your partner.   For example, “I feel like you’re a jerk” is a good example of a blaming “I” statement.  Instead say, “I feel hurt by that comment.”  Many adjustments can be made once you skillfully utilize “I” statements.  There’s no longer any room for misinterpretation.

3. No drunk fighting:  If either of you have been drinking or using other substances avoid the fight.  Instead, wait until everyone is sober before bringing up the issue.  It’s very easy to over react when our cognition and emotions are altered by substances.  In fact, alcohol consumption is linked to increased anger and aggression.   It’s easy to say things we don’t really mean at these times.

4. Always act respectful:  Name calling and swearing at each other makes your partner feel devalued and unimportant.  It’s very difficult for couples to climb out of that emotional hole.  Ask yourself, “Is this how I speak to someone I respect and love?”  The answer is probably not.  Speak to each other in a respectful ad loving manner at all times – yes, even when you’re angry.

5. Give yourself a time out:  Sometimes we need to deescalate the conflict and our own emotions.  Taking a fifteen-minute walk or going into the other room can cool things down.  This isn’t permission to give your partner the silent treatment.  Rather, it’s regaining self-composure in order to finish resolving the conflict.  Please understand that when your partner is asking for time to calm down give it to them.  If you follow them around without giving them a break you will intensify the conflict.

These are tips that may help you get through a conflict more smoothly.  If these aren’t enough to help you fix what’s ailing your relationship then therapy can give you the added skills to help.  Also, some conflict might be so entrenched that you need counseling to help get you off the gerbil wheel.

As always, if you need help give us a call at (312)955-0319, email at info@greaterchicagocounselingcenter.com or book online through our website. We look forward to helping you through these difficult times.

Texting Romances

Our phones and social media dictate the way in which we date. It seems that dating has changed drastically over the past 15 years. No longer do we meet someone organically. We used to meet people at work or through friends. Now we do everything on line. Hoping that we will meet that perfect someone. It seems that we’re nervous to date someone who we see on a daily basis for fear of the complications that come with a work relationship. Or, so many people work remotely the chances of meeting others is severely diminished. Rather, we turn to the dating apps.

One would make the assumption, albeit incorrectly, that given the shear volume of individuals on line our chances of meeting that special someone increases. This is not necessarily so. Many individuals spend hours swiping past photos of people who if met organically might fit the bill. Instead, it’s very easy to find flaws with almost everyone. Or, you have found the perfect someone only to be out ghosted after your first contact.

It’s also extremely difficult to sense what someone might be like in person after a few text messages. Many individuals on these sites are there because they are shy or don’t have another way to meet someone. So, to these persons the task of sounding clever via a text message is impossible. They give up rather than trying harder. The person who receives the text rarely forgives an awkward exchange. The result instead is to get “xed” off the list.

Who would ever want to try online dating given all of these obstacles. Instead, many have resorted to just casual “hook ups” to help with the loneliness. These shallow connections result in further feelings of futility. There are some sites that make you spend some cash and a little more time answering questions which narrow the field, Not everyone sees the value in taking the time to say what they really want in a relationship.

Perhaps millennials (or any age individual) don’t know what they want in a relationship. Not understanding clearly what you need and how to communicate those needs makes it almost impossible to find that perfect match. Individual therapy can help such persons learn what they are looking for from a relationship. If you’ve been in a destructive relationship therapy can help you identify the warning signs before moving too far along in the new relationship.

But, perhaps we never quite get to this point. Instead individual counseling would focus on why you cannot seem to connect with others at all. Therapy can help you get past the road blocks that you set up for yourself. Bottom line - you deserve happiness in your life through a fulfilling intimate relationship and individual counseling can help get you there.

If you are interested in changing the patterns that keep you isolated, and lonely don’t hesitate to call. One of our very skilled therapists is here to help you work through these issues and learn new solcial skills. Call us , email or text us today! (312)955-0319, info@greaterchicagocounselingcenter.com or (847)814-1257.