Many couples are facing conflict in their relationships during this lockdown. Prior to the pandemic many of us worked out of the home only to see each other at dinners. Others traveled for their jobs and saw each other exclusively on the weekends.
Some couples love the shelter in place restrictions because they spend more quality time together. The closeness has strengthened their relationships. Unfortunately, for many other couples, this has not been the case. Rather, their conflict has only intensified leading to extreme marital distress. In fact, the divorce rate is up a whooping 35% since the lockdown began.
The tight quarter, working from home, no physical or emotional distance from each other has made some marital conflict explosive. Call it too much of a good thing. For these couples, and healthy one alike, there are specific therapeutic interventions that can help your relationship get back on track.
Direct eye contact: It’s amazing how often individuals don’t practice good eye contact when talking to each other. This seems especially true during an argument. When you look directly at your partner you receive valuable information about why they are trying to say. We lose too much information and tend to make inferences, often incorrectly, when we aren’t paying close attention to our partners.
“I” statements: Utilizing “I” statements cannot be over emphasized. It wounds simple yet this task can actually be quite difficult. When using “I” statements you are talking about your own experience, perceptions and emotions. These statements should not be used to blame your partner. For example, “I feel like you’re a jerk” is a good example of a blaming “I” statement. Instead say, “I feel hurt by that comment.” Many adjustments can be made once you skillfully utilize “I” statements. There’s no longer any room for misinterpretation.
No drunk fighting: If either of you have been drinking or using other substances avoid the fight. Instead, wait until everyone is sober before bringing up the issue. It’s very easy to over react when our cognition and emotions are altered by substances. In fact, alcohol consumption is linked to increased anger and aggression. It’s easy to say things we don’t really mean at these times.
Always act respectful: Name calling and swearing at each other makes your partner feel devalued and unimportant. It’s very difficult for couples to climb out of that emotional hole. Ask yourself, “Is this how I speak to someone I respect and love?” The answer is probably not. Speak to each other in a respectful ad loving manner at all times – yes, even when you’re angry.
Give yourself a time out: Sometimes we need to deescalate the conflict and our own emotions. Taking a fifteen-minute walk or going into the other room can cool things down. This isn’t permission to give your partner the silent treatment. Rather, it’s regaining self-composure in order to finish resolving the conflict. Please understand that when your partner is asking for time to calm down give it to them. If you follow them around without giving them a break you will intensify the conflict.
These are tips that may help you get through a conflict more smoothly. If these aren’t enough to help you fix what’s ailing your relationship then therapy can give you the added skills to help. Also, some conflict might be so entrenched that you need counseling to help get you off the gerbil wheel.
As always, if you need help give us a call at (312)955-0319, email at info@greaterchicagocounselingcenter.com or book online through our website. We look forward to helping you through these difficult times.
