5 Tips to Help Stay Married During a Pandemic

Many couples are facing conflict in their relationships during this lockdown.  Prior to the pandemic many of us worked out of the home only to see each other at dinners.  Others traveled for their jobs and saw each other exclusively on the weekends.

Some couples love the shelter in place restrictions because they spend more quality time together.  The closeness has strengthened their relationships.  Unfortunately, for many other couples, this has not been the case.  Rather, their conflict has only intensified leading to extreme marital distress.  In fact, the divorce rate is up a whooping 35% since the lockdown began.

The tight quarter, working from home, no physical or emotional distance from each other has made some marital conflict explosive.  Call it too much of a good thing.  For these couples, and healthy one alike, there are specific therapeutic interventions that can help your relationship get back on track.

1. Direct eye contact:  It’s amazing how often individuals don’t practice good eye contact when talking to each other.  This seems especially true during an argument.  When you look directly at your partner you receive valuable information about why they are trying to say.  We lose too much information and tend to make inferences, often incorrectly, when we aren’t paying close attention to our partners.

2. “I” statements:  Utilizing “I” statements cannot be over emphasized.  It wounds simple yet this task can actually be quite difficult. When using “I” statements you are talking about your own experience, perceptions and emotions.  These statements should not be used to blame your partner.   For example, “I feel like you’re a jerk” is a good example of a blaming “I” statement.  Instead say, “I feel hurt by that comment.”  Many adjustments can be made once you skillfully utilize “I” statements.  There’s no longer any room for misinterpretation.

3. No drunk fighting:  If either of you have been drinking or using other substances avoid the fight.  Instead, wait until everyone is sober before bringing up the issue.  It’s very easy to over react when our cognition and emotions are altered by substances.  In fact, alcohol consumption is linked to increased anger and aggression.   It’s easy to say things we don’t really mean at these times.

4. Always act respectful:  Name calling and swearing at each other makes your partner feel devalued and unimportant.  It’s very difficult for couples to climb out of that emotional hole.  Ask yourself, “Is this how I speak to someone I respect and love?”  The answer is probably not.  Speak to each other in a respectful ad loving manner at all times – yes, even when you’re angry.

5. Give yourself a time out:  Sometimes we need to deescalate the conflict and our own emotions.  Taking a fifteen-minute walk or going into the other room can cool things down.  This isn’t permission to give your partner the silent treatment.  Rather, it’s regaining self-composure in order to finish resolving the conflict.  Please understand that when your partner is asking for time to calm down give it to them.  If you follow them around without giving them a break you will intensify the conflict.

These are tips that may help you get through a conflict more smoothly.  If these aren’t enough to help you fix what’s ailing your relationship then therapy can give you the added skills to help.  Also, some conflict might be so entrenched that you need counseling to help get you off the gerbil wheel.

As always, if you need help give us a call at (312)955-0319, email at info@greaterchicagocounselingcenter.com or book online through our website. We look forward to helping you through these difficult times.

Navigating Depression & Anxiety Amid a Pandemic

In our current state of uncertainty concerning the continuous spread of COVID-19, it is no surprise that depression and anxiety are also on the rise. According to data reports, young adults between the ages of 18 and 29 are especially affected. From long periods spent in quarantine to adapting to new ways of doing routine tasks like grocery shopping or attending classes via Zoom, can lead to intense feelings of isolation, de-stabilization, panic, and lack of control. Not to mention constant information overload from news headlines, social media, and conversations with your loved ones, friends, or co-workers, all exacerbating fear and worry. 

It is also important to note that this age group has been forced to let go of significant life events among those: walking with your peers at your high school or college graduation, not getting a “normal” college experience, or having to postpone celebrations like 21st birthdays, graduation parties, and even weddings. Many of these experiences we look forward to our whole lives and it is okay to be sad when they are taken away from us. I have peers who expressed feeling guilty for crying about not having their graduation ceremony this year when really, they “should” be grateful for their health and the health of their families. Sure, it is undeniably important to have gratitude in times like these, but it is just as important to process any losses, sit with your feelings, and seek out support.

Being in the aforementioned age group myself, I find myself in what seems like a never-ending battle toward regaining some semblance of balance in my daily life. There are days where I can accept the circumstances of my immediate surroundings and changes to routine, but I would be lying if I said that scary thoughts do not resurface. Or that I smoothly navigate through a near panic attack when overwhelmed by the number of people at my neighborhood grocery store, picking produce while standing next to me too close for comfort. Often, I would rather spend my days away at home but I find that although this form of safety and security helps alleviate my anxiety, my other good friend, depression, is ready for action (or lack thereof I should say). 

So, what do we do? How do we navigate through these challenges that are inevitably impacting our mental health? We can start by practicing self-care, compassion, and forgiveness toward ourselves in ways that will be most meaningful to us. Whether that means getting out of bed even if it is just to make it to your couch or logging your thoughts in a journal, every little task counts! Remind yourself that you can do hard things and “this too shall pass,” whether we are referring to an intrusive thought, a low week, or the pandemic itself – you got this! Even if you feel like you do not, it’s okay to communicate these feelings with your loved ones and/or seek out professional support – for this exemplifies inner strength and the necessary steps toward regaining inner balance in our current unbalanced world.